International Women's Day 2018

In case you hadn't noticed by now, despite the title and complete femme takeover on social media (which I am absolutely living for) today is International Women's Day (and still is for 2 hours so don't start on about the late post) ... and perhaps the best day of the year if you ask me ;)

Unfortunate circumstances mean that this year I am not celebrating with the Women's Society at my University, but I have simply enjoyed a day off, being aware and grateful for all the strong and powerful women in my life.

I truly believe that strong women create strong women. 

Whether that's through birth, nurturing or just some god damn supportive friends, you truly become who you surround yourself with.

To my Mum, who taught me that hard work is always honest.
To my Nanna, who taught me women can be the head of an amazing family.
To my best friend, who taught me that trustworthy friendships are real.
To my peers, some who taught me that I still need to fight for myself, and some who often silently supported me.
 And to all the other amazing women in my life, who taught me to walk away from things, to speak up in a loud room and to never ever give up. 

These are just a handful of the lessons I have learnt so far, and boy there are so so many left to learn. And I know that even if these lessons are difficult, not only will they make me a stronger woman, but it will mean one less lesson for my daughters to endure and they can focus on ruling the world.

Keep being motherfucking amazing, and don't let anyone stop you taking up space.   

Coming to terms with Lonliness

I've had this post in the works for a pretty long time - I just didn't know how I wanted to approach it (heck I still don't know how now but I'm typing words anyway!) I have a version of this is my drafts, but I just feel like it's approaching from the completely wrong approach that really doesn't do the justice you readers deserve. But a video that Anna recently posted made me realise that it's something that really needs talking about - and it's something I need to evaluate in order to learn from it. (You can find her video HERE)

So here goes nothing I suppose ...

I've never been very good at making friends, or building on relationships. Without a doubt, this does and always has, stemmed of a complete lack of self-confidence. I don't really remember having friends when I was younger, and I think that moving county at the age of 8 really marked the transition from a bubbly child to a conscious and doubting one. Everything that had constituted my safe space no longer existed - the family dynamic I grew up with changed completely, I was left to try and make friends with children that weren't interested in getting to know a new person and that's about the age I started to notice I was bigger than the other children.

Alright, I know - what a sad story about a child that dealt with what loads of us have dealt with - what's the big deal?

I never grew out of these doubts. I can think of countless occasions where crippling self-doubt and fear of having attention brought to myself caused me to completely shut myself down. In what friendships I did make - I always dealt with paranoia that they didn't really like me, this is something that developed from the age of just 8, and I have been carrying with me for over 14 years now. 

The friendship group I was part of during high school was just that, and I only managed to nurture a singular friendship (you know who you are girl, Hi!) that still exists today. Since then, the majority of my 'friendships' festered from my insecurities - individuals that could and did take the better of me, much to the detriment of my absolute wellbeing. I began thinking that maybe I just wasn't the good friend - maybe I was too immature? Maybe I was too serious? Maybe I just didn't try hard enough?

 Oh boy how much bullshit was that? (I mean I say that but I still 100% think these things frequently).

And since I have spent a lot of time on my own. Misery loves company as my favourite pop punk boyband crush would say... (if you know the reference hit me up cos we're new besties).

And so understandably, starting university as the age of 21 was and is one of the hardest and most uncomfortable situations I have ever put myself through. And being vulnerable about it and talking to people has made me realise that I really am not alone in this (Thankyou Charlotte for the lovely and heartwarming chat in maccies the other day!).

We all know the imagery we're fed: studying out on the grass with your new group of amazing friends, moving in with your future besties and joining a billion new societies. This is bullshit and we need to be talking about it more. (And I feel this is a good time seeing as university interviews/applications are happening right now).

I remember standing in line on move in day - looking around me and thinking this is the first day of the rest of my life, I was going to be different, I was going to put myself out there and be normal, make my friends for life I'd seemingly been waiting all my life for. 

I tried so so hard - I really did. And I ended up having one of the longest and hardest depressive episodes of my entire life. My self-doubt crept to unimaginable levels - I found myself dropping out of Society events, making less effort on my course to get to know people and would simply sit in my room and shut myself off from everything. Because it was really the only thing I knew how to do well.

This was my reality. 

I was the loneliest I had ever been in my entire life - whilst being surrounded by the most social people I had ever met. I just didn't understand how people did it. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I figure it out?

I'm better now: I dealt with toxic relationships, I met someone who vowed to help me deal with my problems (Don't worry they'll be a whole post about accepting love - you'll get to find out all about him ;) ), I moved off of University campus and I have started ever so slowly started building friendships, but it all scares me every single day.

But I'm trying, I'm persisting and I'm simply learning to unapologetic about putting my needs first. 

1. No more nurturing people that are toxic for me. 

1. No more keeping quite - whether it's on here or in person - I will force myself to talk about the things that I find uncomfortable. 

1. No more waiting. 

I mean as you can probably tell if you've read this far that I'm not entirely sure what this post actually is. Whether I've actually addressed loneliness in any sense I don't actually know - but I do know that I feel a hell of a lot better right now.

I guess my only 'tip' for people is too simply put yourself first; learn to evaluate your feelings/behaviours, because it's only from here that you can learn to change the little things that create them. Stay away from toxic people - you deserve only beautiful and positive relationships.

I am not afraid of being called selfish, and I already know what it's like to be alone - so there's nothing to lose in trying. 

2018 Resolutions

Yeah yeah, I know, why the hell am I writing a post on New Year's Resolutions at the (almost) start of February? Well, because it's taken me a month to figure out what the hell they are and how I plan on executing them.

They've always been the same; lose weight for the last time, stop biting my nails (blah blah blah), but I never ever made any real plans or attempts to actually initiate them into my day to day life. However, at the end of 2017 I came to a very serious conclusion: I need to change my life, because right now you're not going to make it too far into the future (grim I know but ya'know the saying you can't go any further than the bottom or some rubbish like that) - well I reached my rock bottom.

So I decided that 2017 was the year I was going to leave it all in the past - and that my 2018 actions were going to be my proof. I decided that I was going to build myself back again, and I quickly realised that this was going to involve a hell of a lot of selfish behaviours.

2018: be unapologetically selfish (every damn day) 

I had to start putting myself first, I always thought I did - but I was buying clothes to feel accepted and not for my actual body, I was saying yes to obligations I couldn't cope with, I was agreeing to circumstances I knew weren't making me happy, and I knew that I was shutting up when I needed to be speaking up.

So I kinda woke up one day and decided I was over it.

I am going to buy the clothes I want because they make me feel amazing (and not because they make my body look like it takes up less space), I'm saying to no to shit I want nothing to do with, I'm trying out things I've wanted to but was too scared to just go for, but most of all I'm learning.

I'm learning to evaluate and understand my feelings and behaviours, I'm addressing my problems instead of just trying to cope with how I react to them, I'm teaching myself how to be selfish and happy (like for real happy) and how to put myself before absolutely everything and everyone else.

And you know what? It's been the best fucking decision I've ever made and it feels so damn good.

So if you see me about, know that I'm in a really good place right now - and that I'm working on me; so don't expect anything less than complete honesty. I'm not vowing to lose weight because I truly know that's not where 'happiness' lives - and I am just so over lying to myself.

Over It. 

Making Space for Yourself

I've spent a hell of a lot of my life trying to minimise the space I use up, both physically and I suppose mentally (and you could even argue emotionally but that's a whole other can of worms to save for another day).

So this is me making space for myself, that is, until I'm comfortable enough to do it in public too.

I used to be body positive, but a traumatic* event left me riddled with guilt and disgust with not only my body but who I felt I had become or should have been. I created monsters in order to process and cope with how I was feeling, ones that have transformed themselves into demons. They are now simply too heavy to carry anymore, so I am beginning the process of disembarking them, one by one I will face and overcome them. If I don't I'm not sure how much longer I can endure it, so I have to.

This is mostly what this blog is for, a physical space in which I, a fat girl, am making for myself in a world that has thus far tried to degrade everything that I am. I am going to unravel everything I think I know about myself currently, in order to rebuild my foundations.

If you want to know more about self-growth, fat positivity and surviving mental health, then I suggest tuning in here with me. Cos I think we've got a lot to learn.

Tayla x

 *I was trying to think of another word for traumatic, feeling that I wasn't deserving of that label. But what else was it but traumatic if it left me completely different?