2018 Resolutions

Yeah yeah, I know, why the hell am I writing a post on New Year's Resolutions at the (almost) start of February? Well, because it's taken me a month to figure out what the hell they are and how I plan on executing them.

They've always been the same; lose weight for the last time, stop biting my nails (blah blah blah), but I never ever made any real plans or attempts to actually initiate them into my day to day life. However, at the end of 2017 I came to a very serious conclusion: I need to change my life, because right now you're not going to make it too far into the future (grim I know but ya'know the saying you can't go any further than the bottom or some rubbish like that) - well I reached my rock bottom.

So I decided that 2017 was the year I was going to leave it all in the past - and that my 2018 actions were going to be my proof. I decided that I was going to build myself back again, and I quickly realised that this was going to involve a hell of a lot of selfish behaviours.

2018: be unapologetically selfish (every damn day) 

I had to start putting myself first, I always thought I did - but I was buying clothes to feel accepted and not for my actual body, I was saying yes to obligations I couldn't cope with, I was agreeing to circumstances I knew weren't making me happy, and I knew that I was shutting up when I needed to be speaking up.

So I kinda woke up one day and decided I was over it.

I am going to buy the clothes I want because they make me feel amazing (and not because they make my body look like it takes up less space), I'm saying to no to shit I want nothing to do with, I'm trying out things I've wanted to but was too scared to just go for, but most of all I'm learning.

I'm learning to evaluate and understand my feelings and behaviours, I'm addressing my problems instead of just trying to cope with how I react to them, I'm teaching myself how to be selfish and happy (like for real happy) and how to put myself before absolutely everything and everyone else.

And you know what? It's been the best fucking decision I've ever made and it feels so damn good.

So if you see me about, know that I'm in a really good place right now - and that I'm working on me; so don't expect anything less than complete honesty. I'm not vowing to lose weight because I truly know that's not where 'happiness' lives - and I am just so over lying to myself.

Over It. 

Making Space for Yourself

I've spent a hell of a lot of my life trying to minimise the space I use up, both physically and I suppose mentally (and you could even argue emotionally but that's a whole other can of worms to save for another day).

So this is me making space for myself, that is, until I'm comfortable enough to do it in public too.

I used to be body positive, but a traumatic* event left me riddled with guilt and disgust with not only my body but who I felt I had become or should have been. I created monsters in order to process and cope with how I was feeling, ones that have transformed themselves into demons. They are now simply too heavy to carry anymore, so I am beginning the process of disembarking them, one by one I will face and overcome them. If I don't I'm not sure how much longer I can endure it, so I have to.

This is mostly what this blog is for, a physical space in which I, a fat girl, am making for myself in a world that has thus far tried to degrade everything that I am. I am going to unravel everything I think I know about myself currently, in order to rebuild my foundations.

If you want to know more about self-growth, fat positivity and surviving mental health, then I suggest tuning in here with me. Cos I think we've got a lot to learn.

Tayla x

 *I was trying to think of another word for traumatic, feeling that I wasn't deserving of that label. But what else was it but traumatic if it left me completely different?