Coming to terms with Lonliness

I've had this post in the works for a pretty long time - I just didn't know how I wanted to approach it (heck I still don't know how now but I'm typing words anyway!) I have a version of this is my drafts, but I just feel like it's approaching from the completely wrong approach that really doesn't do the justice you readers deserve. But a video that Anna recently posted made me realise that it's something that really needs talking about - and it's something I need to evaluate in order to learn from it. (You can find her video HERE)

So here goes nothing I suppose ...

I've never been very good at making friends, or building on relationships. Without a doubt, this does and always has, stemmed of a complete lack of self-confidence. I don't really remember having friends when I was younger, and I think that moving county at the age of 8 really marked the transition from a bubbly child to a conscious and doubting one. Everything that had constituted my safe space no longer existed - the family dynamic I grew up with changed completely, I was left to try and make friends with children that weren't interested in getting to know a new person and that's about the age I started to notice I was bigger than the other children.

Alright, I know - what a sad story about a child that dealt with what loads of us have dealt with - what's the big deal?

I never grew out of these doubts. I can think of countless occasions where crippling self-doubt and fear of having attention brought to myself caused me to completely shut myself down. In what friendships I did make - I always dealt with paranoia that they didn't really like me, this is something that developed from the age of just 8, and I have been carrying with me for over 14 years now. 

The friendship group I was part of during high school was just that, and I only managed to nurture a singular friendship (you know who you are girl, Hi!) that still exists today. Since then, the majority of my 'friendships' festered from my insecurities - individuals that could and did take the better of me, much to the detriment of my absolute wellbeing. I began thinking that maybe I just wasn't the good friend - maybe I was too immature? Maybe I was too serious? Maybe I just didn't try hard enough?

 Oh boy how much bullshit was that? (I mean I say that but I still 100% think these things frequently).

And since I have spent a lot of time on my own. Misery loves company as my favourite pop punk boyband crush would say... (if you know the reference hit me up cos we're new besties).

And so understandably, starting university as the age of 21 was and is one of the hardest and most uncomfortable situations I have ever put myself through. And being vulnerable about it and talking to people has made me realise that I really am not alone in this (Thankyou Charlotte for the lovely and heartwarming chat in maccies the other day!).

We all know the imagery we're fed: studying out on the grass with your new group of amazing friends, moving in with your future besties and joining a billion new societies. This is bullshit and we need to be talking about it more. (And I feel this is a good time seeing as university interviews/applications are happening right now).

I remember standing in line on move in day - looking around me and thinking this is the first day of the rest of my life, I was going to be different, I was going to put myself out there and be normal, make my friends for life I'd seemingly been waiting all my life for. 

I tried so so hard - I really did. And I ended up having one of the longest and hardest depressive episodes of my entire life. My self-doubt crept to unimaginable levels - I found myself dropping out of Society events, making less effort on my course to get to know people and would simply sit in my room and shut myself off from everything. Because it was really the only thing I knew how to do well.

This was my reality. 

I was the loneliest I had ever been in my entire life - whilst being surrounded by the most social people I had ever met. I just didn't understand how people did it. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I figure it out?

I'm better now: I dealt with toxic relationships, I met someone who vowed to help me deal with my problems (Don't worry they'll be a whole post about accepting love - you'll get to find out all about him ;) ), I moved off of University campus and I have started ever so slowly started building friendships, but it all scares me every single day.

But I'm trying, I'm persisting and I'm simply learning to unapologetic about putting my needs first. 

1. No more nurturing people that are toxic for me. 

1. No more keeping quite - whether it's on here or in person - I will force myself to talk about the things that I find uncomfortable. 

1. No more waiting. 

I mean as you can probably tell if you've read this far that I'm not entirely sure what this post actually is. Whether I've actually addressed loneliness in any sense I don't actually know - but I do know that I feel a hell of a lot better right now.

I guess my only 'tip' for people is too simply put yourself first; learn to evaluate your feelings/behaviours, because it's only from here that you can learn to change the little things that create them. Stay away from toxic people - you deserve only beautiful and positive relationships.

I am not afraid of being called selfish, and I already know what it's like to be alone - so there's nothing to lose in trying.